Store Bought Mama

Hi everyone! I accidentally went on haitus there and didn't tell anyone. Did you miss me? Did you notice? If not, that's OK. If you did, I'm sorry. I was posting on the FB page so you knew I wasn't dead at least, but since our latest move (yes, I moved AGAIN), I've been barely posting there too.

We've moved to Southern Ontario, like we were supposed to all those years ago, and it is wonderful. We're on the shores of Lake Ontario near the Thousand Islands regions in a larger town full of lovely folks. There's so much to do and see! I got a transfer with the bank so I'm still working there, but I'm also working part time at my dream job for Indigo, Canada's largest book retailer. I love it but I end up working two or three days a week for 12 hours or so when I'm at both. In September there was a stretch where I worked 20 something days in a row. I'm trying to decide where I'm happier and which one has better opportunity for me without burning out.

Today is Gabriel's birthday; I now officially have a teenager. How did this happen?! How is this smart, hard working young man the little smooshy cheeked boy I used to run around and play Pokemon trainer with? Next year he'll be going to highschool! Dating! He's determined to get into the Royal Military College and become an space engineer, which we fully support. His dream of becoming the first man on Mars is still as strong as it was 10 years ago.

Both kids are liking their new school, which is a relief after the very difficult year Gabe had last year (which I didn't write about for privacy reasons. That's his story to tell someday, if he wants too. Suffice to say bullying is a real problem and I'm glad Gabe felt like he could talk to us when he needed too. It may have saved his life.)

On the horizon is a trip to the CN Tower for Gabe's birthday present, volunteering with the Loving Spoonful and organizing things here a bit better and seeing if I can get published. Wish me luck! It feels good to be back. 

The It Gets Better Project was created and designed specifically for LGBTQIA2S+ folks who are battling bullying, mental illness and other challenges. It is an amazing resource for these things and I highly recommend it! Go to www.itgetsbetter.org for more info. 

That’s not exactly what I wanted to write about today; my It Gets Better moment is about depression, specifically post partum depression. I’ve struggled off and on for 12 years with it now and had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday. I’m starting a new job soon (again? Again! Yay!) and realized I’ll be able to be home with the kids a lot more, and instead of dreading it or having it cause anxiety, I’m actually looking forward to it! Gabe is a bit older and capable of babysitting as needed, Ryan is pitching in a lot more in so many ways, and so I don’t feel like I’m going to drown in domesticity. After work I’ll be home in time to do bedtime and check in about school and all those little things I miss weeks at a time working for CashMoney. 

For a long time I didn’t think I would make any more mental progress, that my brain was as good as it was going to get. I’m so glad I was wrong! I’ll never be the person I was before I had Gabe, but the person I am is pretty cool too. She takes more naps, she’s not as hard on herself, her house is a bit messier but then again, so is her brain. A huge part of why I made it this far is Ryan; if it wasn’t for his compassion, patience and non-judgemental attitude I would probably still be in a fairly dark place. He *always* has the time and energy, and gives me space to process my feelings, with him through listening and enormous hugs or alone until I’m ready to share. He’s better than any therapist because he’s been with me since the very beginning at the deepest darkest time. He doesn’t try to fix me; he knows that slowly but surely I’m repairing myself. His love is the glue that has been allowing me to put myself back together.   

Never give up on yourself. Some days are going to be hard, awful even. But don’t give up. It’s true that we don’t know what tomorrow might bring. It’s worth it to stick around and see what might be coming with the next sunrise. 

One of the first things people realize when they meet me is that I’m a huge geek; I grew up watching Star Trek Next Generation at dinner, and Batman the Animated Series, Spider-Man and the X-Men on Saturday mornings. When Marvel started making their movies, beginning with Blade to mixed success, I was hooked. I loved the fantasy and heroism on the big screen. I took a comics class for my English degree at university to help me further understand that interesting medium; there’s so much happening in each panel, who is focused on, how the text is written/illustrated, shading and lighting, and what’s implied between them in that mysterious white space. Comics have evolved and grown in the last 10 years especially to be more inclusive and diverse, and I think that would make Stan Lee proud. 

He passed away yesterday at the age of 95. Despite controversy about his working relationship with Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko, Stan was the face and drive behind Marvel Comics, revitalizing the comics industry with the Fantastic Four, SpiderMan, Captain America, the Hulk and of course my favourites, the X-Men. 

Every Saturday morning on Fox at 11am I was infront of my tv (unless I was at camp), or my best friend’s tv, and we would watch then reenact every episode. We knew every character, every story by heart, and over the years they became a part of who I am; Jubilee’s innocence and hope, Rogue’s inner strength, Gambit’s charm, Cyclop’s leadership, Storm’s compassion and fury, Jean’s empathy and heart, Beast’s gentleness and intelligence, Wolverine’s tenacity and Professor X’s vision of a world united. Those characters taught me that people are afraid of what they don’t understand, to fight for what’s right even if people hate you, and that heroes have flaws; they’re people too. Sometimes they’re impulsive or angry or sad and make bad decisions, decisions that affect their friends and family, and sometimes even the world. They live with the consequences of those choices and try to do better, to learn from them and keep moving forward. 

This was a common theme in Marvel Comics, thanks to Stan Lee. He used to write little soap box pieces on the backs of the comics, urging people to accept each other, to be every day heroes in fighting bigotry and injustice. This one is the best I’ve seen so far. We need to do what we can to honour his memory and move forward, together. Comics are for everyone. Geek culture and nerdom can be welcoming and inclusive spaces for everyone. Except Nazis. Always punch those guys. It’s what Stan would’ve wanted. 

I’ve finished my September book already; City of Refuge by Starhawk. I devoured it over the Labour Day weekend as it simultaneously clawed it’s way inside me. It became a part of me and now I don’t know what to do with myself. Sometimes books are like that, and I get a sense for it before reading, setting it aside after scanning the back or a page or two inside. ‘This is going to hurt. This will be dangerous. There is Truth in these pages and once you know it, you’ll never be the same.’ For a year it’s sat in my room on my shelf with the first book in the series, Walking to Mercury, waiting for me to pick it back up. I haven’t read Mercury yet but someday I will. In between the two was the first one Starhawk wrote, The Fifth Sacred Thing, a book I can only bring myself to read maybe once every few years. City will be like that; a reopening of old ground, planting new seeds, sobbing through pages while smiling fiercely through others. 

Ryan didn’t understand why I would read something that would upset me so much. How can I explain that it’s reading both the present and the future? How can I make him understand it underscores my greatest fear and that which I’ve already lost? A world brought to it’s knees by exploitive capitalism and fundamentalist Christianity, but hope on the fringes because some brave people say No with love and water and fruit trees? There’s a place for you at our table if you’ll choose to join us. All debts are erased, all sins forgiven, if you’ll work for your community and do your part. A city of folks of every stripe and colour and faith who can work together because they fundamentally respect each other as parts of the Four Sacred Things, as Children of Gaia, as fellow people first. 

The Fifth Sacred Thing and City of Refuge are visions of horror and beauty, what’s possible from the depths of fear or love. In one or two generations, where will we be? I know where I want to be, where I want my kids and grandkids to be; in places filled with clean water and good food, schools that nourish their minds and bodies, where everyone gets the care they need regardless of any other factor, where the elderly are cherished as the story keepers and knowledge sharers they are, where everyone is encouraged to follow their heart, regardless of what that might be. Where there’s room to try and fail and it wont mean the end of your family because suddenly, you can’t pay the bills. There wont be any bills. Food, shelter, water and power, education and healthcare; these are basic human necessities and rights. In the City of Refuge of the book, Madrone and Bird travel deep into the heart of old Los Angeles and show people there’s a different way to live, one of dignity and grace, sharing and love. They don’t have to be afraid any more; not of their neighbours or the police or the government. 

Books like this are dangerous. They can spark a revolution. I hope it does.